Tomorrow morning I’m getting on a plane and flying southward—taking direct aim on hurricane Earl’s weathery crotch…
Planes are always a fun time though—Just like anyone else, I enjoy being crammed next to a couple of sweaty donkeys on a winged metal capsule of stress, fear, tension, crying babies, claustrophobia and gay stewards on the brink of insanity—as we hurdle through the sky at about 500-mph.
The best way to cope with all of these variables? Do what I do. What do I do? This is what I do…
I'll be reading this book, aloud---for most of the flight...
Sick of obnoxious passengers? Surpass them all instead…
First, I’ll wear something that’s not only frighteningly tight—but also velvet. I’ll be donning bright white, hi-top sneakers and a fake gold chain that disappears into my exposed throw-rug of wavy breast hair. My head hair? It too will be perfect…
When the peanuts and pretzels are provided, I will proceed to eat them with my mouth open while talking loudly to my neighbors about highly uninteresting bull-shit. If I see a man using one of those tiny pillows, I will promptly inform him that he’s officially gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
I will also drink V-8 with plenty of ice and those who cast dirty looks my way will find themselves blinded by all of those veggies and antioxidants. Then I’ll wait for my neighbors to fall asleep, only to wake them because I need to get up and use the restroom—which especially ticks them off because I’ll have the aisle seat…
Much Thanks 
~Ron-Yves Strouteau
The following are some of our earlier posts—that nobody (except Bearman) read…Enjoy!
I Just Puked In My Mouth…(Quick snippet inspired by the Octomom)
Unaware Of Underwear Inflation…(Dr. Max Yestronaut’s frustrating account of an underwear-shopping endeavor)
He Came—He Danced—He Had Intercourse With The Hottest Girl In School…(Outdated film review of rug-cutting classic, Footloose)
Raq-Hell yeah I Would…(5 days from now, I’ll officially want to have sex with a 70 year-old woman)
A Terrible Tumble…(Dr. Max Yestronaut doing his part to make sure some mascot will never ‘live it down’)
It’s been more than 7 days now….
Has it? My abacus is broken—stop yelling at me…
OMG, it’s taking too long, something is wrong. Vegetable juice is to be shaken before consumption, right ? Did any planes go down because someone manage to smuggle nitroglycerine in the V-8 cans ?
The V-8 was fine—refreshing in every sense of the word…
I am pretty sure it’s been over a week. Hello, we’re bored already!!!
I’m friggin sorry…
Loon, do you have Sugar Gliders in your neighborhood?
Ron? It’s been 7 days Ron. Ron? Ron can you hear us?!! Ron! NOOO!!! JESUS CHRIST EVERYONE! HE’S DEAD!!! Now please migrate to LoveintheDumps.com to get your fix of Tight Slacked humor. RIP.
I’m alive!
…stop trying to steal my tens of tens of hits
Ron,
This post is funny as hell. It reminded me of the time I was on a flight from NYC to TPA. There was a 6 year old (bratty) kid behind me. Throughout the flight his parents let him read his book to the entire plane ~ four times!! We were about to land when he said, “I’m gonna read it again daddy!”. That’s when I yelled out “No way!” (a couple of brave souls actually applauded) to which the father of the child interrupted saying, “Hey! He’s just a kid!”. About then Rip interjected, “Hey, this ain’t your minivan pal! Not everyone wants to hear your brat read!”
Nice of Rip to lay down the law–someone had to do it…
I sat near some obnoxious kids on the way down to Florida—I was ready to roll up 2 copies of Sky Mall magazine and turn ‘em into a set of nunchucks…
I’m super bad-ass…
Ha, if you ever do the 3 day plane ride from hell to Australia you might need to up those antics to something like making loud declarations about yr highly contagious, incurable, diseases while you cough and splutter and sneeze over yr fellow travelers, it be sure to create some much needed elbow room…..
I’m not allowed in Australia—due to my alleged sex scandal with Paul Hogan…
Eat lots of garlic before you fly….then when u sweat…you will have that wonderful odeur de garlic! lol
That’s 100% yucky of you to say
Zoot suit, dude. The only way to fly! http://www.zootsuitstore.com/shopping/catalog/category_browse.asp?ProductType=ZootSuits
I would look better than the best in a suit like that—the women aren’t ready for it…
try getting a length of string and stick one end up a nostril, letting the rest of it dangle down your chin.
If that doesn’t deter anyone from trying to strike up a conversation with you, then move to plan B – remove the piece of string from your nostril, gaze at it for a few seconds then slowly, slowly place it in your mouth and start to chew. That should pretty much guarantee you an unmolested flight !!!
P.S. Plan B should not be attempted until you have mastered the sleight of hand necessary to deceive your neighbour into thinking the tip of the string you have placed in your mouth is the end that was up your nostril rather than is the case, the opposite dangly end of the string
Ha!
I want to be on a flight with everyone that’s commented on this post—what a shit-show it would be…
trust the bloody americans to annoy you on the plane…
bring me back a present!!
A present? I’ll bring you back a sunburn, how’s that sound?…and maybe a sex tape that I’m gonna make with Cinderella…
Bye Bye Bye.
the sex tape with cinderella!?? tell that biatch that she took my bra instead of hers last time she and i..i mean…. seriously the nerve of some ppl!
lol
BYE
Have fun! I fly every couple weeks and if the valium doesn’t work I move my wife into the line of word fire.
haha—and I’m sure that’s quite the shooting gallery if it’s coming from you
Would it be possible for you to bring a bible so you can try to convert your seat mates to Christianity? I endured that craziness on a flight back from Hawaii. The multiple Xanaxs and Somas I took to try and kill myself did nothing. She was too intense. Try it.
…so are you still a hardcore Christian?
Hmm, my attire of choice is usually a nice tight nylon blouse that I have slept in for several days , preferably dark so as to highlight the sweat stains under the armpits. Oh and my sneakers I have discreetly covered in duck poo. I just love the way everyone instinctively looks under their shoes to make sure it’s not them. Then I order a tomato juice and leave a healthy helping on my upper lip. Needless to say I always get both armrests!!!
Wow—you and I would be fierce competitors on a long flight…your shitty duck feet would probably give ya the ‘W’ though…whacko
hey look at you, all spiffy with the new blog design.
i luuurve it.
Thanks Blunt—Highlights magazine just voted SuchTightSlacks.com as the 12th-billion best blog on WordPress.com—not bad eh?
Sometimes I wake up in the night with the taste of your socks in my mouth…
i sort of feel like we are reinacting a scene from Wedding Crashers right now with the sock talk.
Anyhoozle, it’s been 7 days. times 2. almost. but then again i took college algebra four times.
come back.
Bring some broccoli and rinse it down with tonic water. It’s healthy, it prevents malaria, and within 20 minutes they’ll start breaking out the parachutes. So time it carefully. After all, you do want to wind up in Florida. Have a great visit.
I’ll land in Snow White’s bedroom—and I’m kicking the shit out of the first dwarf I see…
Thanks Coop.
Cheers
Ha! I think I’ve sat right by you on a previous flight.
And I’m awfully sweaty, yes – but a donkey? That’s kinda’ harsh. I fancy myself more of an alpaca, really.
Sweaty Jack-Ass more to your liking? I have underwear made out of alpaca—perfect for ice-fishing…
You got a death wish? Or are you just amping up for a man to whirl tussle with hurricane Earl? Let us know how it all went, assuming you survive and aren’t too embarrassed. What the hell am I saying? Embarrassment requires a sense of shame!
I will brave a hurricane to see my Mom any day of the week
Earl better watch his back…
Cheers
PS – Shame is so overrated…
Ha! That Gaga picture is so disturbing that I actually clicked it on it twice…There’s no way I’d get through a security checkpoint wearing that getup…
Don’t die, bitchboy.
Thanks for the pep-talk Denny—gave me goosebumps…
It’s one of my multitudes of sweet gifts.
You must be flying internationally because they don’t have pillows on domestic flights anymore.
Actually I’m going to Florida—should I go back and edit my post for you and your useless information? Wise-ass…
hahah lmao. What some call “useless information” others call nuggets of wisdom
haha—what some call ‘nuggets of wisdom’, I call ‘bull-shit’…
I’m keeping my eyes peeled for small pillows (and naked women) all day tomorrow…
or you could do the lady gaga dress sense when she travels, http://25.media.tumblr.com/1fdtdYBtyr1ccg1k3d0UaBwjo1_500.jpg , and of course you could try the unwashed and hobo look so no one wants to sit next to you, could work…