Author Archives: sampsonianslumber

Skinny Jeans?

Posted on November 28, 2010 | 10 Comments

wtf? no good

OK, so its been awhile. In fact, that’s an understatement. It’s been far too long since my last post. Due to procrastination, employment, and just not giving a loose deuce, I haven’t posted.

With that said it has afforded me more time to observe the day to day trends and activities that can and do severely piss me right- off. Today’s topic of discussion: Skinny Jeans.

First off, this is a tightly slacked community but there is a distinct difference between tight-fitting slacks and skinny jeans. Chuck Norris wears tight slacks, but the key is they fit. Skinny jeans are worn by those anorexic, skater-type teens that only listen to “EMO” and  hate life. Breeches hanging half-way off their asses (half of them have no ass at all). If you still don’t know the genre I speak of, it’s the one where the girls look like  boys and the boys look like girls. It is both confusing and disgusting.

Bottom line: Skinny jeans suck, and from a hockey player’s standpoint they blow. In fact, I wouldn’t be able to get them over my ass and legs even if I made a deal with the devil on hell street (???). Bottom line…Shit ain’t happening. They gotta be super uncomfortable too. How can one even walk in these pieces of shit? Normal fitting pants shouldn’t make you feel like you’ve entered a potato sack race. A race in which all who enter, lose.

If you can’t wear them to church or run the risk of indecent exposure, retire the shitty attire. Please. For everyone’s sake.

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Rocky Mountain Retards!

Posted on August 9, 2010 | 19 Comments

This can is defective...Rockies are not blue and its in the snow!

Disclaimer: In no way is this post meant to target, ridicule, or cast slander towards people with physical or mental disabilities.  Instead, it is meant to cast slander towards ridiculous marketing schemes and bull-shit gimmicks!

Freezing---I wonder if that's cold?

So, apparently Coors has decided to market an idea based on the assumption that everyone has been recently deprived of their sense of touch. Why the hell would you spend money on producing a cold activated can to alert your consumers that their beer is in fact cold?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never said to myself —”Shit, I can’t tell if my beer is cold!  We need a tool to help us with this.”  No…we don’t!  We already have one you assholes!  It’s called our hands…

Here’s a thought: How about I dip my fist into a cooler full of ice and give you a cold-activated crack in the facials for coming up with such a shitty idea?  Since I’m going to use my hands anyway while I drink the damn thing, doesn’t it make sense just to touch the fucking thing to see if its warm or cold before I crack her open?

So cold---Maybe that's cold?

And if that’s not quite enough, Coors has gone even further by creating a ‘cold activation window’ on the box.  This is so you can see if those Rockies are blue just before you rip the box from the fridge and bust into it like a 5-year-old with ADHD on Christmas morning!  Put it this way, wait a few hours…and the shit’s cold.  Then, if you decide to peer into that magical little window and the Rockies aren’t blue yet—you have bigger problems.  In this case, your fridge is probably busted and warm beer is the least of your worries.

I will say this—The cooler bag is probably their best idea to date.  At least it serves a function.  Ironically, I’ve never seen a cold cooler bag.  They’re always on an end cap—warm as balls cinched in a pair of tight BVD’s.

What are we to do with warm cooler bags?  Stuff them with ice?  There’s no damn room!  Put them inside a cooler?  A cooler inside a cooler?  It’s like wooden Russian dolls only with beer, not to mention your overall cost goes up with the added bullshit…

Bottom line…screw the gimmicks—Beer sells itself!

As for myself—gimme a Labatts, a handjob, and a hockey game—I’m out…

-Sampsonianslumber

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Posted in Grub & Beverage

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Reality Bites

Posted on July 20, 2010 | 3 Comments

Yellow is your color "Ocho ZERO"!

One cannot affix their eyes upon any television set these days without laying witness to the profuse amount of garbage on it.  To be more specific, reality dating T.V!   Flavor Flav, Brett Michaels, Terrell Owens and now Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, all seemed to have simultaneously jumped onto the “Mr. Sex” shit-show bandwagon.  Let’s face it, when the camera isn’t running, Ocho Cinco is.  Running a train, that is.  Probably on some bitch named “Suzie-Suck-Me” with his whole offensive line.  Can you say encroachment?  Nobody’s fooling nobody here.  It’s a damn orgy.  You might as well have Chad wearing a crown of Laurel leaves with a bunch of scantily clad vixens feeding him grapes and ass.

Yeah, that’s exactly what we all want to see, right?  Another millionaire who can’t get laid.  He needs Hollywood, because being Mr. Money bags and having a 12″ nightstick isn’t enough points on his score card alone.  I don’t know about you, but don’t ya think Chad could get the same results in the lobby of the Bellagio in Vegas?…What a putz.

What needs to be marketed is what people want to see—not what we are forced to see.  That my friends is what T.V. is doing to us—brainwash style (clean brains!)…Why don’t we have a show that has one average guy with about 2 weeks of facial growth, a $30k annual salary and a single bedroom apartment?  Couple that with 10 Mexican broads fighting over a chance to win him and their ticket to a green-card and bammm…success!  Viva los Estados Unidos!

So, put on your tight-slacked pajamas, fire on the DVR, pop some fucking corn and call everyone you know…Chad’s going long!

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Posted in Athletics, TV & Film Review, Uncategorized

Welcome to Wal-Mart

Posted on July 13, 2010 | 12 Comments

Ready to retire 30 years ago!

I felt the need to express some feelings that I believe we all undergo when subjecting ourselves to a lower budget lifestyle.  I’m talking about Wal-Mart shopping at its finest.  Prime time “Bull-Shit”.

First,  lets start in the parking lot.  To be quite blunt, I’m sick of the damn out of state-ers crossing state lines for a tax break.  What does their state offer me?  Sports teams you say?  Yeah maybe, but I’ll give it ten to one odds that on the way home I either get lost, get into a car accident, or get intentionally misguided by some Masshole sitting on a park bench eating a frankfurter wearing a “Yankees Suck” tee.

Second, am I the only one that feels awkward about the whole doorman thing?  When that guy says “Welcome to Wal-Mart” either you ignore the poor bastard or you say “Thanks”.  Here’ s the problem: You don’t want to be in that crappy store anyway.  Your mission is to get in, get out and get on—and I’m sorry, but the guy at the door greeting me is starting to become a pain in my ass.  You know his smile is fake…and so is yours.  I need a razor, compass, and a box of diapers grandpa.  Get the hell outta my way.

“Save Money, Live Better” is their slogan.  Here’s another problem.  When was the last time you ever spent money and saved?  Last time I checked when I spent 10 bucks no one deposited shit into my account.  I’m sure that Dr. Max Yestronaut would agree to that.  Yes they do sell for less, however I can’t walk out of there without spending 50 bucks at a time—and, when you look in the bag, it looks like you came from a friggin flea-market!  Nothing makes sense, shit’s all mixed up and you don’t even know what the hell you bought!  You end up staring at the receipt for a half hour saying “I bought that shit”?

Lastly, how about those checkout lines?   My favorite, hands down, is the self-checkout line.  Have you seen some of these challenged people operating these machines?  My God!  And to think…they drove here?  Really, what is so hard about it?  Scan, swipe your card, throw your shit in a bag and get on already.  Some people stare at these things like it’s the damn Rosetta Stone and they’re trying to “crack the code”.  Meanwhile, I’m in line hitting the boiling point ready to “crack their skull”.  The irony here is the person who can’t operate a self-checkout machine probably has a six figured income and drives a $50,000 car.

Now, if you will all excuse me, I gotta go buy some Jergens, tweezers, and a plunger—I got a big one brewing.

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How many flavors of “shave” do we need?

Posted on June 29, 2010 | 4 Comments

Hairy men, rejoice!

For the most part, everyone in their life will pick up and use a razor at some point.  So, I thought it fitting to yuck it up a bit on the many exorbitant amounts of razors on the market today.  We’ve come along way from the good ol’ straight razor.  From Bics to electrics, people have done extremely well carving Jack-O-Lanterns out of  their own facial features with these tools of torture.

Progress has been made with the newer merchandise that is available, but when is enough enough already?  Single, double, and triple blades?  Are we shaving or playing baseball here?  Gillette just went for the Home Run with its new Fusion Proglide.  I haven’t used it yet, but I’m assuming it boasts a diesel motor with pull-start based off of how things are progressing.  Proglide now has four fucking blades!—Wahoooo!!!…and they’re thinner with a  high-tech “bullshit” coating and a comfort strip.  Just a quick thought off topic here: Maybe some big-wig somewhere will implement a comfort strip in my frigging underwear.  That way when its 90 degrees with a humidity level that could kill a camel, I’ll be able to walk normal.

And how about those price tags?  You can now tell what kind of income a man makes based off his shave.  Five 0′ clock shadow you say? Under $30,000 annually for sure.  No man in his right mind is willing to donate an organ just to be the proud owner of a high-tech shave.  It’s complete thievery.

Soon we’ll be graduating to razor blades that resemble mini light sabers.  I can see it now…not one, not two, but three strobes of light! Yes!!!!   And the irony of the whole thing is, the straight razor is still the closest and oldest shave you can get. Check out this guy in the video. He’s definitely full of it.

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Dude-Guy

Posted on June 27, 2010 | 11 Comments

Tee-Shirt by "Osh Gosh"

To follow-up on the big sunglasses post, I decided to be politically correct and bash the male side of stupidity.

We’ve all seen the classic “Dude-Guy” in the overly tight shirt at that local bar that thinks he’s about to stun the world with his boisterous biceps.  Let’s clear things up, being physically fit is a great attribute for anyone’s personal repertoire.

With that said, do you really need to purchase clothing that was on the little-boy’s clearance rack?  You might as well paint the damn Abercrombie logo directly on your chest and “rock” to the club that way.  Then, maybe you’ll finally win that tightest tee award that doesn’t exist.  If by chance it’s not an overly tight tee they’re sporting, it’s usually an overly annoying button-up.  Yeah, this one’s complete bullshit.  Seriously, some of these shirt designs look like wallpaper schemes from the early 70′s.  They suck.

Lines upon colors, upon stripes, upon collars.  Collars…big collars…that are popped up.  Here’s some simple math for ya… Collars up = Thumbs down Jack!  And pink?  That’s another no-go.  Not on a guy anyway. If you’re looking to get in touch with your feminine side then go find a female… and you’re done.  Just skip the shitty pink polo (please).

For the icing on the cake, the hair styles are out of control too.  Guys, you’re not a Japanese cartoon.  So, stop wearing your hair like you’re the main character from Pokemon.  This isn’t the next casting for “Jersey Shore” and you’re not “The Situation”.  So get over yourself, save some money, and throw away the LA-Looks…

And, if you’re still confused about who I’m referring to try this:

The next time you’re at a bar, or the beach find the girl with the huge-ass sunglasses.  Dude-Guy will undoubtedly have his greasy talons all over her.

And there you have it…2 peas in a pod!

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Question: Why the hell do women continue to believe that large sunglasses are cool?  What are you too cheap to rub some sunblock on?  This has been an ongoing phenomenon for a few years now, and something tells me that … Continue reading →

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Posted on June 22, 2010

Quick rant about a guy that gets laid more than I do… How girls find this man sexy is beyond male comprehension.  It’s not jealousy…its stupidity.  Come on ladies, if you’re going to go Ga Ga over a guy shouldn’t … Continue reading →

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Posted on June 19, 2010

The World Cup

Posted on June 9, 2010 | 2 Comments

Based on the photo, I think you know where I’m going with this one. Soccer anyone?  No thanks. Not now…Not ever.  I mean…really?…Who  f***’n cares.  Europeans?  They’re all gay anyway.  Think about it.  They can’t play rugby so it’s soccer for these saps.

The game itself bores me sideways (if that even makes sense)—No contact?  Sports without contact are just inane.  Red flag?  Huh?  For what?  A push?  The only red flag you’ll see in any contact sport is the trainer’s blood saturated towel.

Why don’t they save some of their squandered money from promotions and feed some poor Brazilian kid that kicks around a coconut for a soccer ball.

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Posted in Athletics, Uncategorized, World Cup 2010

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Ol’ Red-Beard

Posted on June 4, 2010 | Leave a comment

Here at T-Slacks, we tend to favor the sport of Hockey—and seeing how its the Stanley Cup playoffs I had to write something about those pesky Flyers.  What would you expect, I’m a Bruins fan.

Everyone is entitled to his / her opinion on many a topic, so here is my two cents on left winger Scott Hartnell for the Philadelphia Flyers.  Personally I think the guy is a complete eye-sore to look at.  First of all,  have you seen his hair in High Def?  My LCD screen doesn’t even support that kind of color hue, and I find myself having to turn down the brightness / contrast due to that Bozo-like shank of his.  I think he’d be better suited on the ice skating around with a kilt and shillelagh for a stick.  Although, he has been productive in the 2010 playoffs.  His pass over to Danny Briere while falling down in the slot was a valiant play.  Still, this does not constitute running around like a buffoon, thinking he’s Mel Gibson on the set of Braveheart.

One thing is for sure.  If the Flyers hoist Lord Stanley, Hartnell will be dipping his giant Orc horn mug into it while eating an over sized turkey leg!

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Posted in Athletics, Hockey

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